Right this moment, I am listening to the laughter of my husband and son, as they race remote control cars in the basement. Every few minutes, their cheers are punctuated by the delighted squeals of my one-year-old. Life is good. It is incredible to look back and remember that I never really thought I’d make it here. When I graduated college, without any promising prospects in sight, and a fat stack of wedding invitations to deal with, I wasn’t sure where my future was headed.
I started keeping track of all of the bridesmaid dress colors I’d worn: Sunshine Yellow, Emerald Green,
Bubblegum Pink, Blush, Periwinkle, and (surprisingly) Black! I was starting to feel like the main character in 27 dresses, and every tired trope thrown at the girl at the single’s table who is “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” A friend at church once asked me what I was looking for in a spouse and I remember describing someone quite opposite of me. Someone who was a decisive, natural born leader. But, I remember asking my friend, “where was I ever going to find someone like that??” (I’m sure you’re laughing by now if you know my husband).
But before you can see the end of the story, it is really quite bewildering. You start wondering if there is something critically wrong with you, instead of just your luck. You might start reviewing your list, wondering if you’ve got the right criteria on it. I remember doing this, thinking that the wisdom was in the list and where it was pointing me. If this sounds familiar, let me at least ease this fear: It’s not about what’s on the list. Yes, you should take some time thinking about it and talking with a good friend or two. And go ahead, write it down! But then, let it go.
Jackson says that in the church he grew up in, you would give your list to your pastor who would keep it tucked away until he surprised you with it at your wedding. This sounds like the right approach – please forward all lists to Pastor Chris at your earliest convenience! But whatever you do, don’t frame it, laminate it, make it your phone background or pour over it. That is putting your energy in the wrong place. Say a prayer over it, send it on its way and work on being the complement to your perfect spouse, while staying (very) open-minded with the people who cross your path.
As Jackson states, “In addition to screening potential candidates, our list has another function – it holds us accountable to become the kind of person that person from our list would want to marry.” And I would add, once you do find your spouse, continue your journey of self-improvement.
And in the meantime, travel, write, dance, take parkour, take a cooking class, move across the country, or do whatever it is that your heart desires. Commitment brings an amazing feeling of security, warmth and family. But commitment does limit freedom. It has to; that is its nature. A commitment to one person is the exclusion of any other. But it is also a promise to take both of your dreams and families and meld them together. So for right now, try out for that reality T.V. show. Take the trip. Take a risk.
And when you do meet the right one, you may be surprised by how comfortable it feels. How easy it is to just be in their presence day to day. After all, marriage is very daily. Not every moment warrants a social media post. Most of it is about who you want to spend time with, even if you’re not doing anything in particular. Who could you be stuck in the house with all day in case there is ever a global pandemic? (Too soon). But keep in mind, that is your ideal mate. That is the kind of person God wants you to find. That is the person who will laugh when the old, crumpled list is finally unraveled on your wedding day.