Rhino Skin (Chapter 18)

“I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:5, NIV

“If you want to be successful in any leadership endeavor, you will need to learn to preen and draw from the anointing oil of the Holy Spirit in your life…you will need to draw strength from God’s presence because people will inevitably fail you.  There is no cynicism in that statement.  It is a simple reality that personal hurts and disappointments accompany leadership, and if we do not process those things well we risk becoming wounded leaders that would our followers.”  - Jackson, Among Kings, Chapter 18

Early on in my life I was to learn that my greatest strength was also my greatest weakness.  And perhaps it is this way for all of us.  Every character trait, after all, is a two-edged sword.  For me, I discovered that my deep sensitivity that allowed me to sense the feelings of others and listen with genuine interest is the same trait that leaves me hopelessly vulnerable to attack.  

As I am writing this piece, I asked my husband to jumpstart my memory with an example or story to help illustrate this.  “Can you think of a time I’ve been too sensitive?”  My husband froze.  I am certain he had a whole rolodex of examples that sprang to mind.  But he is a wise man, sensed the trap and decided not to launch into any of the many stories he could have brought up.  

All kidding aside though, it has been a long and involved process for me to first, recognize that my sensitivity is a gift, but also, see that it left me with some weak spots I needed to shore up, and finally, begin the fine art of balancing these two truths.  I was told for many, many years that I needed to develop thicker skin.  And I probably didn’t make any true progress until I went away to college and started living with roommates.  My first dorm room I had one roommate in a space intended to be a “single”.  My sophomore year there were 3 of us in room built as a “double”.  By my senior year, I was living in a house with 4 other girls all in one house.  By the time I got married, I had had over 10 different roommates, and if you count living and traveling with my study abroad group, many, many more.  Each of these roommates had a different upbringing, conflict style and communication style and inevitably, we would clash from time to time.  

Through all of this I learned that conflict, that thing I tried so desperately to avoid, was inevitable.  But encouragingly, I also learned that relational wounds were recoverable.  I can’t tell you the number of times I thought a friendship I held dear was utterly doomed because of any offense, only to see forgiveness and perspective reappear the next morning.  It is a tough and almost unnatural thing to do, but I am having to continually learn to coat my heart and my ego in the “anointing oil of the Holy Spirit” as Jackson writes.  Unnatural because I want to get my relational security from other people.  I want their reassurances and validation.  I want to know that we are connected in a way that cannot be severed.  But that is an unrealistic and dangerous desire.  I cannot demand from other people something only God can provide.  

I have found that with God as the foundational root, there is so much less pressure on all of your other relationships.  And yes, they will at times crack or go dormant for a season.  But with your security at the root, you can withstand the passing season.