The Judas Question

Growing up, my school library had a series of books called “Choose Your Own Adventure”.  Instead of simply being a passive reader, these books gave you a sense of autonomy.  And this was fairly novel because in childhood, your choices are limited.  You may get to choose your outfit, but not your meal and not your school.  Life is stable and predictable.  In adulthood, our choices are legion.  Sometimes it is a gift and other times, the weight of each one can be paralyzing. 

But our free will is by God’s design and it is precious.  During Easter time, I tend to think about 2 of the disciples and the various paths their lives could have taken.  To me, there are parallels between the lives of Judas and Peter.  Both Judas and Peter were beloved disciples in Jesus’ inner circle.  Jesus prophesied about both of their actions, and both turned away from Him…repeatedly.

But there is a distinct difference in the condition of their hearts.  Our human justice system considers pre-meditation to be a key factor.  The planning that goes into one’s actions shows continuous intention.  Judas took the time to strike a deal and arrange the date and time he would turn Jesus over.  Peter denied Jesus out of panic and sheer terror.  In a court of law, Judas would certainly be sentenced more severely.  But Jesus doesn’t rank sin the way we do.  He doesn’t withhold His mercy. 

This leads me to a question that I’ve pondered my entire Christian life. I wonder, if he had repented, would Jesus have forgiven Judas?  The kind of radical forgiveness that Jesus practiced convinces me He would have.  Peter could have chosen to run and hide when he heard the rooster crow the third time.  His moment of shame could have overwhelmed him just as it did for Judas.  But instead, Peter turned towards Jesus, repented and was foundational in building the church.  And Jesus not only accepted him, but publicly reinstated him.  He asked Peter, “Do you love me?” three times to atone for each one of the denials.  And I believe that if Judas had chosen differently, his story would have had a different ending too. 

Even in our everyday lives, it's so easy to feel like it’s too late to break a long-standing habit,  or heal a neglected relationship, or even forgive ourselves.  We live in the natural world where we only get so many second chances.  But the free will we have to pick a different path is lifelong, as is His radical forgiveness.

Peter foreshadowed the kind of forgiveness he would receive in Matthew 18:21-22. “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how often shall I forgive my brother if he sins against me?  Up to seven times?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”

When Did He Know

Born in a stable, and on a mission to save the world…it sounds like every superhero origin story we’ve ever created.  There were so many tender moments – mundane, everyday moments of feeding and rocking, playing with His siblings and going to and from the temple.  He was raised under the watchful eye of a king that had planned to murder Him as a baby, nevertheless, he grew.  He thrived.  He had the strength and skill of a carpenter surrounding a heart that was bleeding with empathy for a hurting world.

And I wonder, when did He know His fate?  How many years of carefree childlike innocence was He afforded?  Were there ever moments of carefree childlike play that weren’t clouded by a looming fate, a sacrifice that had to be made?  Did He struggle with anxiety?  It would have been very human if He did.  Certainly in the garden, His anxiety, torment and isolation were overwhelming. How many crucifixions did He walk by during His travels?  And how old was He when He looked up and recognized His future?

I would like to believe He did have those innocent moments.  That He grew as we all did, first with the growing, learning mind of a child and then slowly learning the harsh realities of His world.  I want to believe His mother was unclear about the prophecy of the spear that would pierce her heart too.  I hope there were some moments of blissful ignorance as He grew.  I hope His heart was guarded by the Father and that He could experience the childlike faith He treasured. 

And I hope for us this season that we can be overcome with the true weight of a gratitude that sees the layers of sacrifice.  That we see the very human experience of a young man with his mother and siblings, His friends and a mere 33 years of life on this planet.  I pray that we see His humanity, worship His divinity, and that we feel the depth of His love. 

Never Enough

“Towers of gold are still too little. These hands could hold the world but it’ll never be enough…for me.” Jenny Lind

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21

He waited breathlessly in the wings to see if his latest gamble would pay off.  And it had better pay off.  Here, he had sunk all the profits from his family’s first successful business.  It was a miracle that his business had grown through the tough landscape of the economy the first time around.  Now, it was all on the line again.  He watched from stage left as the lights came up.  “…I hope she can sing.”  And there, to the wonder and bewilderment of all, came the most exquisite voice that had ever graced the stage.  The ballad grew and crested into its signature chorus, “towers of gold are still too little, these hands could hold the world but it’ll never be enough, never be enough…for me.” 

The anthem swelled into the balconies, and into the heart of her investor and new admirer, P.T. Barnum. Diving headfirst into this new revenue stream, Barnum began touring with the singer, Jenny Lind, playing to ever larger audiences until finally, even that was not enough.  After experiencing all the admiration and riches their traveling performance could offer, she wanted more.  This time, she wanted his heart too. 

As you may know from watching “The Greatest Showman,”, thankfully, the fantasy ends there.  P.T. Barnum finally realizes that what he was striving for – stability, family and happiness – was waiting for him at home.  He had found what he needed, and passed right on by, because he could not sense when he had “enough”. 

As we approach the Lent season, I wonder how well we can sense “enough”.  How are our satiety signals when it comes to shopping, or alcohol or even endless scrolling to zone out?  How do we know when we’ve zoomed right past self-care and into self-indulgence? 

Practicing Lent today feels downright counter cultural.  It feels like something we need to practice; not something that comes naturally.  It is easy in a consumeristic culture for self-control to be an atrophied muscle.  After all, self-control is not profitable.  It requires a reshaping of our mindset to know that more is not always better. It means trusting that when our request is answered with “wait”, that could be a gift.   

I don’t personally come from a spiritual background that emphasized Lent, but I do think it’s essential to have some seasons in our lives that are celebration and some seasons that are restraint.  If you haven’t decided how you want to walk through the Lent season yet, I would encourage you to think about where your attention is currently, and how you can refocus on Jesus.